I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I love art.