My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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No regrets in 2018
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life