Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
You Might Also Like
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.