My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.