*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels