you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You Might Also Like
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
favorite tropes as memes
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.