[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.