I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!