Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.