Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’d hang this in my house.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Does this dress make me look cat?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job