why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I beg your pardon?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’