ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”