Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.