Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
British websites use biscuits.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out