I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
How I like cutting carbs
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I hope Alan is OK
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.