DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Good dog. ❤️
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Finally, an explanation.
blocked.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me