My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Extremely relatable.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter