Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
#parenting
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.