much to think about
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.