Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage