there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”