Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
How to draw a duck
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Tell the colonel to bring it
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
⛄️
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me