oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.