I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Look at this
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]