[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Plant care tips
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Feels like there should be a middle ground
found this cool rock hiking today
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal