“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead