I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.