I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.