Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
You Might Also Like
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Pretty much. 🤣
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal