I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
You Might Also Like
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
some things should go without saying
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Facebook Twitter
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.