If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”