“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?