I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
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has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
no!! no!!!!!!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”