Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”