That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: