My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.