I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”