I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
True?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
#parenting
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
britain’s three elite institutions
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Only Americans understand
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*