Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.