I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy