[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
💯😂
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.