If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on