Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
he chose this
*pronounces woah like Noah*
That’s what I call a flat tire
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?