[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
You Might Also Like
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories