Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Oh we’ve met.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho