Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.