My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory