*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You Might Also Like
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Life is a suicide mission.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast