[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address