[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: